Follow....

   My heart has felt a little heavy this afternoon.  I have felt God moving in my life the past few months but I just can't seem to figure out what it is He is wanting me to do.  I was brought to tears earlier as Randy and Aaron practiced a song to play at church in the morning because it really just summed up what I am feeling.  The song was "Follow You" by Leeland.  I know God is wanting me to share His light but I am just not sure where.  I am praying for answers, I am praying that God will open the doors to show me where I need to go. 

   For about the past 3 years I have felt my heart being pulled towards adoption.  At first I thought it was maybe just one of my crazy ideas and the thoughts would pass.  However, here I am years later and the feelings are just as strong...no actually stronger than they were to begin with.  When I first started thinking about adoption I really didn't have any contact with anyone who had experience with adoption or never really heard anyone talk about it.  Around that time, I began working at the YMCA in the fitness department.  What does that have to do with adoption you ask?  Well nothing really except that we shared an office with the maintenance man, who happened to have adopted five of his children.  Over the months that I worked there, I had several conversations with him about adopting.  I mentioned to him that I would love to be able to adopt but would probably never be able to afford it or be able to make it happen.  I just couldn't see how it would work.  He told me his story and shared some info with me about how domestic adoptions do not have to cost a whole lot and that it was very possible for it to happen.  I came home and began researching the My Turn Now children waiting lists.  I have spent hours just looking through the pages and pages of children waiting for a forever family.  Hours spent pouring my tears out as I pray for these children and feeling so helpless in being able to make a difference.  As this continued I was afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of hearing the comments that I know would come.  I didn't want to hear how crazy I was, that I have enough children, that we couldn't afford anymore, or any of the other negative things I am sure would be said.  I just wanted to give myself and show God's love and hope. 
    Time just kept on passing and I have kept all of this to myself.  I no longer work at the YMCA but I have never stopped thinking about those conversations with the maintenance man, Scott was his name, telling me that it IS possible if I want it to be.  I also started really building a friendship with Emily around this time.  Well, little did I know, Emily and her husband were actively working on adopting a child.  I was so excited to hear every little detail and have someone to talk to about adoption.  While I did tell Emily that I would love to adopt I tried to cover just how badly I wanted this.  As Emily's adoption journey unfolded I was given the privilege of being a part of it and it was such a blessing to be with them the day they brought their baby home. 
    A couple months later, I met a new family who had just recently moved to our area.  I was happy to learn they were a homeschooling family and began talking with Mandi and getting to know her.  I fell in love with quickly as it seemed we had some things in common and were pretty like minded.  As you can probably guess, I learned that Mandi and her husband were in the process of adopting internationally.  They are now so close to bringing  not one but two precious children home.  I am so thrilled to yet again be able to watch their story happen right before my eyes and I will be celebrating right along with them when their babies are here with them.
     In the midst of all this, one of my biggest fears is bringing the subject up with Randy.  I know I should be able to talk to him about anything and I can....if I would just get over myself.  I just feel that this is part of God's plan so much and I am afraid of Randy totally not agreeing.  I know he stresses over finances and providing for us and I don't want to add anything else for him to "worry" about.  But then, there have been several times I have heard the word adoption come out of his mouth and my heart has nearly exploded!  Could it be he has also thought about it?  If this is what God wants for us, then why am I so afraid to talk to Randy about it?
    Now, the reason I am saying all of this is that, I can't help but think that there is something more to this story.  I am a firm believer in God's plan and that He makes things happen for a reason.  That reason being to carry out His plan in our lives.  So, I have to wonder.....why is it that He not only gave me the opportunity to talk with Scott, but then He also provided me with TWO friends, both of which are adopting?  Is there a bigger reason than God just thought we were a good match for friendship?  Did He give me these friends to help encourage me or show me that there is a child out there waiting to be adopted and God wants us to be that child's forever family?  Are we supposed to adopt?  If so, are we supposed to adopt locally, domestically or internationally?  How will this happen?  Has God planted the seed in Randy's heart and I am hindering His plan because of fear?  There are just so many questions and then it takes me back to ....well, maybe this is all just something I've made up in my mind.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  I just don't know.  I just want to give my life to God completely and follow Him wherever it is He leads me......if it was just a little more clear.  If I just had a sign.......Sometimes I wish God would just smack me in the answer...........

   I am ready to follow.........