Took The First Step

So many thoughts and so many prayers the past couple weeks.  I feel even more crazy than I have been but at the same time I have a peace that I can't explain.  I feel more than ever that God is moving and leading our family down the path of adoption. 
I have spent so much time trying to think of the best way to approach this with Randy, playing it over in my head: the right words to say, the right setting, the whole scenario.  Of course, in usual fashion, God had other plans!  One night last week, Tuesday night to be exact, we were standing in the kitchen, eating pizza for supper and I was telling Randy about our visit that morning with my friend Mandi and her family when he made a comment that it if he could adopt he would love to!!  I almost choked on my pizza!! Is this it God?  Is right now, standing in the kitchen, eating pizza with the kids running in and out the moment I've been "planning"?  God clearly said....this is it and I began.  I did not even make it through the first sentence before the tears began to flow.  I spilled my heart to Randy, I told him how I have been feeling and that I knew it sounded crazy, I have no idea how we will do this but all I know is God is saying...just have faith and HE will take care of the rest.  The fear I have been holding onto diminished as Randy listened to what I was saying and while I knew in my heart that God would not let me down, I was still prepared for Randy's answer to be NO WAY......I was wrong.  Without hesitating, Randy told me he would also love to be able to do this, but, like me didn't know how to make it happen.  He told me to start looking into it and see what I could find out.  I have been praying even more than before that God would begin to open doors and show us which direction we need to be going.  While, that has not yet been revealed, in my time reading the word after praying for guidance and wisdom, I came to Mark 10: 27 ~  Jesus looked at them and said," With man, this is impossible, but not with God;  all things are possible with God."  How can I doubt?  I will hold onto my faith in God and trust that HE will lead us and show us the steps...one by one....that we need to take. 
My heart is so full right now with excitement and love for a child I do not yet know.  I do not know age, gender, race or where this child is....I just know there is a child waiting for us to reach him or her.  I do know that I have to let God be in control and follow Him through this journey. 
I have begun researching and trying to gather information and some days.....rather some minutes I am full of confidence and then the next minute I am wondering if I truly have lost my mind.  Every time I have that doubt creep into my mind though, I stop and pray and feel reassured over and over that this is God's will.  I have also shared my thoughts with a few friends so that they can pray with me and for me. 
For now, I am not sure what the next step will be but I am praying without ceasing and listening for God to reveal His plan to me.  I know He knows what the big picture is and I will find comfort in that while I wait.

Faith!

Faith.....what does it mean to have faith?  This word seems to be coming up a lot lately.  I want to have an unshakable faith in my Lord.  I have been thinking a lot this evening back to a conference I attended back in February.  I heard Francis Chan speaking and he was telling his story of faith and how he and his family stepped out on faith and the blessings that came from doing so.  I have gone back to this time and time again over the past few months.  In fact, this is what really made me begin to seek God in a new way and decide to truly give my everything to Him.  As I have mentioned before, I know God is up to something big in my life, I can just feel it.  I am just waiting for Him to reveal what that is to me.  Tonight, I was browsing some blogs linked through a friend's blog.  I came across a post with a quote that really hit me,  "often times we miss out on the greatest blessings the Lord has for us because we are too afraid to take that first step".  Wow.....it is time.  I need to take the first step.  I am beginning to feel as though I am being a hindrance to what God has in store for my life and the blessings that will come from allowing Him to proceed. 
Like I said,  the topic of faith has been popping up a lot.  Just the other day I was talking with Aaron on the phone and he was telling me how important it is to have faith that God will provide in order to allow His plan to become reality.  Who am I to doubt that God has got this?  Why is it so hard to take that leap of faith when I know without a doubt God is in control and He already knows the outcome.  I have witnessed many times what having faith can do and I stand amazed.  I want that kind of faith....the kind of faith it takes to say OK God.....do your thang!!  I am ready to step out of my box and take the first leap!! 

How Do I Know?

I wish there was some easy way to know God's will.  In the deepest part of my heart, I know that God is telling me there is a child waiting for a forever family and we are the family He has planned for that child.  I don't know the age, I don't know the gender, I don't know where....I just know.  But then the other thoughts creep in....thoughts like is this just me wanting this to be true, am I making this all up, am I reading too much into this, is it just wishful thinking, is it selfishness......How do I know if this is really what God is telling me?  It would be so much easier if there was just a clear sign flashing in front of me saying...THIS IS GOD!  I wonder am I feeling this because my faith is not great enough?  I want to have faith that is unshakable and at times I feel like I do have that type of faith but then when the negative thoughts come I wonder just how much faith do I have if I am allowing these questions to cause doubt.  I also can't help but wonder if this is not what God is telling me, then what is it?  What is He calling me to?  I know without a doubt that He is working in my heart and preparing me for something.  I want to do whatever it is He wants me to do.  I want to give my all and follow Him.  I just need to know what and where...and even who.  I am ready to do God's will for me.  I guess this is where the faith comes in though.  I know in my mind that God will work things out in His perfect time and I need to just be still and listen for Him to speak.  I will continue to pray and seek.  I will be ready when God makes it clear. 
I am at a point where I am wondering if I am the problem now.  Am I letting my fear get in the way and that is why I am so uncertain?  Why is this fear in me?  Is this Satan trying to hinder me from doing what God is calling me to do?  Lord, please take this fear away.  Give me the strength to pour my heart out and talk to Randy about this.  My heart is overflowing with a love for an unknown child and it just keeps growing and growing.   God, I see the way you have placed people in my life that would be the perfect support system for me.  Father, please show me and give me the boldness to move if this is your will for me and for our family.  Please give me your peace that passeth all understanding if this is my next step in following you.  I also pray that if I am totally wrong and You are leading me in a completely different direction that I will know that instead.  I want to follow You, I give my all to You....I am Yours Father....Take me and use me according to Your perfect will for my life.  I love you Lord.  Amen.

My Heart's Cry

I am finding more as I grow in my walk with Christ that the true desire of my heart is to be within His will.  There is just such a peace about being near to my Lord and living the life He has for me.  I am trying hard to work on letting God be in control of my life......every little part of it.  In our lady's Bible study today we were discussing emotions and circumstances and how as women, we tend to let these things control us.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Is it easy to accept or understand that our emotions and circumstances do not control us.....absolutely not.  In our human-ness (is that a word?) we want to make excuses for how we act, think, react and it is so easy to say....if only.....or it's that time of the month.....or it isn't my fault.  It is so easy to make excuses.  In reality, we need to simply acknowledge that God has given us everything we need to deal with whatever emotions or circumstance we find ourselves in if we will just allow Him to have the control.  One of the scriptures we talked about was Philippians 4: 8-9.  It tell us to think about thinks that are good, noble, pure and true.  As I thought about a recent day when I was feeling particularly angry and frustrated I realized the importance of this scripture.  The reason I was feeling that way was because I was not thinking and dwelling on the pleasant, good things.  I was allowing myself to dwell on negative thoughts and feelings which caused the anger to grow.  My prayer is that God continues to remind me when I forget to let go of the negative and look to things that are pleasing and glorifying to Him.  I want my life to be consumed with living for my Lord.  I want my life to shine with God's grace and love for everyone to see.  I want nothing more than to be in God's will and doing the things He wants me to be doing.  I know without a doubt that God is working on my heart.  I have not figured out yet what exactly He is doing, and maybe I won't figure that out for a long time to come.  The one thing I do know is that I want to be close to Him so that when He is ready to reveal His plan to me, I am right there so I can hear!  For some reason tonight my eyes have been opened tonight to some of the ways Satan is attacking and trying to steal the joy in my life, especially in my marriage.  I am fighting his tactics with all that I have...he will not win this battle as the Lord is on my side!!  How exciting is that?  God is on my side and He is fighting for me!!  He has already won the battle and any battles to come and He is on MY SIDE!!  Praise God for his grace which is sufficient for me. 

Follow....

   My heart has felt a little heavy this afternoon.  I have felt God moving in my life the past few months but I just can't seem to figure out what it is He is wanting me to do.  I was brought to tears earlier as Randy and Aaron practiced a song to play at church in the morning because it really just summed up what I am feeling.  The song was "Follow You" by Leeland.  I know God is wanting me to share His light but I am just not sure where.  I am praying for answers, I am praying that God will open the doors to show me where I need to go. 

   For about the past 3 years I have felt my heart being pulled towards adoption.  At first I thought it was maybe just one of my crazy ideas and the thoughts would pass.  However, here I am years later and the feelings are just as strong...no actually stronger than they were to begin with.  When I first started thinking about adoption I really didn't have any contact with anyone who had experience with adoption or never really heard anyone talk about it.  Around that time, I began working at the YMCA in the fitness department.  What does that have to do with adoption you ask?  Well nothing really except that we shared an office with the maintenance man, who happened to have adopted five of his children.  Over the months that I worked there, I had several conversations with him about adopting.  I mentioned to him that I would love to be able to adopt but would probably never be able to afford it or be able to make it happen.  I just couldn't see how it would work.  He told me his story and shared some info with me about how domestic adoptions do not have to cost a whole lot and that it was very possible for it to happen.  I came home and began researching the My Turn Now children waiting lists.  I have spent hours just looking through the pages and pages of children waiting for a forever family.  Hours spent pouring my tears out as I pray for these children and feeling so helpless in being able to make a difference.  As this continued I was afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of hearing the comments that I know would come.  I didn't want to hear how crazy I was, that I have enough children, that we couldn't afford anymore, or any of the other negative things I am sure would be said.  I just wanted to give myself and show God's love and hope. 
    Time just kept on passing and I have kept all of this to myself.  I no longer work at the YMCA but I have never stopped thinking about those conversations with the maintenance man, Scott was his name, telling me that it IS possible if I want it to be.  I also started really building a friendship with Emily around this time.  Well, little did I know, Emily and her husband were actively working on adopting a child.  I was so excited to hear every little detail and have someone to talk to about adoption.  While I did tell Emily that I would love to adopt I tried to cover just how badly I wanted this.  As Emily's adoption journey unfolded I was given the privilege of being a part of it and it was such a blessing to be with them the day they brought their baby home. 
    A couple months later, I met a new family who had just recently moved to our area.  I was happy to learn they were a homeschooling family and began talking with Mandi and getting to know her.  I fell in love with quickly as it seemed we had some things in common and were pretty like minded.  As you can probably guess, I learned that Mandi and her husband were in the process of adopting internationally.  They are now so close to bringing  not one but two precious children home.  I am so thrilled to yet again be able to watch their story happen right before my eyes and I will be celebrating right along with them when their babies are here with them.
     In the midst of all this, one of my biggest fears is bringing the subject up with Randy.  I know I should be able to talk to him about anything and I can....if I would just get over myself.  I just feel that this is part of God's plan so much and I am afraid of Randy totally not agreeing.  I know he stresses over finances and providing for us and I don't want to add anything else for him to "worry" about.  But then, there have been several times I have heard the word adoption come out of his mouth and my heart has nearly exploded!  Could it be he has also thought about it?  If this is what God wants for us, then why am I so afraid to talk to Randy about it?
    Now, the reason I am saying all of this is that, I can't help but think that there is something more to this story.  I am a firm believer in God's plan and that He makes things happen for a reason.  That reason being to carry out His plan in our lives.  So, I have to wonder.....why is it that He not only gave me the opportunity to talk with Scott, but then He also provided me with TWO friends, both of which are adopting?  Is there a bigger reason than God just thought we were a good match for friendship?  Did He give me these friends to help encourage me or show me that there is a child out there waiting to be adopted and God wants us to be that child's forever family?  Are we supposed to adopt?  If so, are we supposed to adopt locally, domestically or internationally?  How will this happen?  Has God planted the seed in Randy's heart and I am hindering His plan because of fear?  There are just so many questions and then it takes me back to ....well, maybe this is all just something I've made up in my mind.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  I just don't know.  I just want to give my life to God completely and follow Him wherever it is He leads me......if it was just a little more clear.  If I just had a sign.......Sometimes I wish God would just smack me in the answer...........

   I am ready to follow.........

The Week in Review..

Well, as I said, I am not the best at blogging.  I guess you would say I am more of a hit or miss blogger.  The past week was pretty normal, if there is such a thing as normal.  We had all the usual activities, school, church, small groups, tai kwon do, piano, golf and band.  We ended the week with two birthday parties.  One involved go cart riding and the other was Jacey's which involved me baking and creating a Dora princess castle cake.  Following that party, I came down  with some sort of 24 hour bug that put me down for a few.  Thankfully, it was a short one and I am pretty much back to myself.  Monday greeted me with my first test for my current class. I think I did well on it but I will find out tomorrow.  I am praying for an A.  Monday also brought some disturbing news.  One of Randy's closest cousins has reached his final days.  He was in the hospital here and so Randy and I went to visit him, unsure of how we would find him.  Sadly, his condition is rather grave.  It was a blessing that he was awake and alert while we were there.  We were told he had been unconscious for the past couple weeks so finding him away and very responsive was nice.  I am glad Randy had that chance to talk with him and also be assured of his salvation.  We visited with him for a while and prayed for and with him while we were there.  It breaks my heart to see my husband so sad and I wish saying goodbye for now wasn't so hard.  Praise God though, we know we will be together again and that is the greatest comfort in times like this. 
As you can imagine, after leaving the hospital I was very aware of the frailty of life and how quickly it passes by.  After a solemn evening, I was even more ready for my special time with my Lord and Saviour.  I am working my way through the gospels right now and I love the things God reveals as I read His word.  Sometimes what I am being told may not be the easiest thing or may not be exactly what I thought I was looking for, but it is always just what I need.  God just seems to work like that and I am so glad He knows what is best for me at all times, even if I don't.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was reading Matthew Chapter 10 and verses 37 - 39 stood out to me. "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."  Now I have heard these verses before but this time my attention was drawn to them and I spent some time meditating on that passage.  I am the first to admit I like to have control, especially when my family is involved.  I always say that I know God is in control or I pray for God's protection and guidance but it hit me that I don't let go and let God do His thing for lack of better words.  The more I thought about this, I began to realize that I was putting my husband and kids and in turn, myself, ahead of God.  I was not trusting God fully with the ones I love.  I for whatever reason have been determined that I could somehow do a better job of taking care of, protecting, guiding my family and because of this was not keeping God as number one.  I have been holding my family above God and I need to change that.  While this may sound like a self bashing realization, I didn't feel like it was that at all.  In fact, it was more like the light bulb came on.  God promises that when we give (lose) our lives over to Him, completely, we will then  find and  fully experience the life He has for us.  How I desire to lose my life for God so that I may find life and live it abundantly as He has planned for me.  

The Meaning Behind This Blog Title

I have so many thoughts whirling around in my mind tonight and eventually, I would like to record all of them.  For now though, I feel as though I should explain the meaning behind the title I chose for this blog: The End of Me.  I have been meditating on 2 Corinthians 5:17 which states "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."  Now, this is a verse I have known forever and heard too many times to count but in the past couple months, God has been working on me in a big way.  More and more I hear Him telling me to let go.....simply let go.  I am such a type A personality and this is an area I struggle with.  I have a hard time letting go.  I want to be in control and I tend to want things done "my way".  Yes, there have been many times that I say I am just going to let God handle it but when it all boils down, I do not really give it all over to Him like I should.  I tend to hang on, even if I am just clinging to it by a thread, I am not fully surrendering to God.  This includes my life.  I say I have given my life to God.  I was saved as a child and most of my life I have had some sort of relationship with Him.  However, the key words there are "some sort".  I have never fully, 100% turned my life over to him.  There has always been something I have been holding back, afraid to totally surrender.  Even now, it is scary.  I want the abundant life God has planned for me but that requires me to hand over my old life, my whole being, everything that I am, everything that I have......I have to lay it down at the foot of Christ and allow Him to live through me completely.  This is where I am.  This is the beginning of my new life, a life fully surrendered to Christ.  This is the end of me.................